Chapter 4: Your Love Letters.

The Chapters I Didn’t Write.

I was always one who saved the notes passed in class that were folded up like some type of secret pyramid full of who knows what. It was more of a mission to fold it with out getting caught then actually writing the note itself. These notes we passed in class defined our forever youth giggling about outfits, boys, and of course absolutely nothing. When I got older I kept the memorable things like wine corks, tickets to a concert, and of course the love notes. The notes that one confessed their love whether it turned out to be forever or not. These timeless moments locked in words that either in life made me cry, or ask what was I thinking.

Your notes were different. Your notes always included a poem, a song, or a saying you may have heard. You always made the note also a learning experience, which didn’t take away from the meaning, but also made it somewhat less of a love letter. The last love letter you ever wrote me was when you asked me for a separation. The separation that lasted months. To be exact, March until November. Spring came, then Summer, then Fall and then finally we “reconnected” or so I thought. In that time I asked myself why didn’t he call me, stop by, or on my birthday send a birthday text. I now know why you didn’t and that was because you were too busy living your life with someone else. So that last note I happen to come across as I was unpacking boxes after two years later moving in with my new boyfriend was you professing your love for me, how much you missed me, and how you were tired of wasting time apart from me. I read it three times because the first time I felt sad. The second time I felt confused. The third time I felt the anger. The anger that you wrote me a note that said you hated the time apart, but even when we rekindled, you spent more time apart from me.

You expressed all the things you loved about me and how I was the key to your heart. You expressed how the future was ours and then sent me links to future homes we would look at to buy. Your note was a lie, a fake, a want for me to love you again because you knew what you did was horrible and prayed I never found out. I did find out later in life as we all know, especially when the email came how you were expecting, plus the Geico alert about your new car, and finally tons of your “friends” telling me everything I wish I never knew. I do hope you learned to write better love letters, or maybe none at all.

After seeing you in 2013 to finalize finances and what not, I told myself after I found out she fought you for wanting to come alone that I no longer cared. You said she didn’t want you to see me without her coming as she sat in the Jeep waiting for you like some stalker. I guess that makes sense. Both unfaithful so really who could trust anyone, but having known that she didn’t want you to meet with me without being there finalized that yes, I had a hold on her, and yes she knew that would sting forever. For me, I can say that wasn’t love, what I have now is, what I have now is forever.

xx Deana